Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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