Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
