i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
