I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
