At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
