Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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