I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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