I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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