"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
