Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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