Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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