Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I supernannyed him into submission
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
