cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
