if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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