I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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