I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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