so that wasnt chicken after all
Nicole vs. Life
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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