After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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