I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
