All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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