hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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