If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
