Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
