my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
