Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
