I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
