Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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