Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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