My Higher Power is John Stamos
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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