He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
