btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
