my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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