How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
