until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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