it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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