My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
