I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
