so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
