Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
