Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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