dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
