Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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