u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
