I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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