I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
