Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
