why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
