you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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