I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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