I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
