if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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