I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
