i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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