You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
