Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
