fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
