i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
