his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
