I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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