the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
