When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The convent might be a nice break from real life