i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.