Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
