I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Terrible idea I love it
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
