I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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