My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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